“I made some fatal mistakes about being the kind of man I thought a woman wanted,” Tom said. “I lost a marriage and only now see how and why it happened.”
Tom thought he was a good husband. It was only when his relationship was in trouble that he started looking for relationship advice to try to keep his marriage together.
Tom worked hard to provide a good life for his wife and family. He was a take-charge person at work but left running the home to his wife. He helped as much as he could with the children and housework. Tom thought he was a good husband and that his wife should be happy. He couldn’t understand why she had less and less respect for him.
When they got divorced, he blamed her for not appreciating him. After a while, he asked himself a pivotal question to move forward and have a better relationship in the future: What should he have done differently in the marriage?
As he learned more about being a man in a relationship, he realized that for his entire marriage he wasn’t the kind of man his wife wanted. A lot of what he was doing—thinking that it made him a good husband—was actually causing his wife to resent him. He wondered why nobody had taught him these important lessons before.
The first big mistake: Avoiding emotional labor
“One of my big mistakes I did so many times was when there was a problem at home or in the family, I would leave it to my wife to do the emotional labor of finding a way to solve it. After she found a solution, she would tell me what I should do,” Tom said. “I didn’t realize how frustrating it was when I put this entire burden on her.”
What I wish I had known: “I wish I had known how important it is to a woman for a man to show he can take charge of dealing with problems at home. I didn’t realize how important this was until it was too late.”
Women today are strong and independent but when they’re with a man they want him to do his share of taking charge and not leave it all to her. A woman admires a man who can step forward and handle difficult situations and doesn’t wait for her to tell him what to do. She doesn’t appreciate a man who stays back and always leaves handling it to her.
Another big mistake: Not making decisions
“When I was married, my wife would ask me to make decisions on things that really didn’t matter to me. She’d call me at work and ask me questions about things at home. I was very busy and under a lot of stress. I’d tell her that whatever she wanted was fine. I thought I was showing I had confidence in her.”
What I wish I had known: “I didn’t understand how she resented me for avoiding making decisions. No matter how stressed I was at work, I should have listened to her question and given her my input. I was working to provide a nice life for my wife and family. I should have been providing my input to deal with issues at home for the same reason – to provide a nice life for my family.”
A woman wants a man who makes the effort to understand her feelings, but she loses respect for a man who leaves every decision to her. Some men avoid making decisions because they don’t want to be criticized for making a mistake. A man who fears making a wrong decision should ask himself: Who should make decisions — someone who isn’t afraid of making mistakes?
The third very big mistake: Blaming her
“I also wish I had known how I damaged my marriage when I blamed her for something that went wrong. It was something I knew would go wrong but she pressured me and when it turned out badly, just like I thought it would, I blamed her. I learned the hard way that blaming your wife only damages your relationship. It achieves nothing positive.”
What I wish I had known: If you made a mistake giving in to something you knew was wrong, take responsibility. Don’t blame your wife. Better yet, if you know something is wrong, don’t do it. Something that is wrong does not suddenly become right when you’re pressured into it.
Tom learned these important lessons and implemented them in a new relationship. He says, “I realized, that just like I’m a take-charge person at my job, I have to take charge and handle situations at home and in the family. I now feel respected and appreciated. If you’re in a relationship, learn these lessons before your relationship is in trouble.”
To learn more about improving your relationship and being the man that a woman loves and respects; or how to inspire the man in your life to be that man, you can take a look at my books. Being the Strong Man A Woman Wants: Timeless wisdom on being a man, which has been translated into 24 languages, shares insights on how men can improve their relationships. How to Get Your Man to Wear the Pants … So You Don’t Have To: Inspiring him to make more decisions, take the lead and STOP LEAVING IT ALL TO YOU! is strategies on how to get a man to do his share of taking charge. If you have questions or are interested in coaching: www.ElliottKatz.com Twitter: @Elliott_Katz